Monday, April 6, 2009

NCAA Championship Running Diary

Tonight is the NCAA Men's Basketball National Championship game and will be my first time doing a running diary.  I am sitting in front of my TV with my diet Pepsi ready to make updates every few minutes.  I have picked Michigan State as my streak for the cash pick so hopefully they can pull through and help me win $1,000,000.  

If you are reading this then just keep hitting refresh on your page every few minutes for updates and analysis:

9:02 - Jim Nantz and Clark Kellog set up the game for us.  Turns out this is Kellog's first championship game.  Wish it had been Gus Johnson but at least Kellog is better than Verne Lundquist who takes it upon himself to ruin every game he works with his useless comments.  

They made reference to the game earlier this season where UNC won 98-63 which was the most points scored on a Tom Izzo team.  This should give MSU some motivation and hopefully they will put it out.

9:12  - Izzo is shown in the MSU locker room giving his team a pre-game speech.  The speech was clearly was not intended for the white players as not only are that at the very back of the room but I can say this confidently that won't be seeing the floor.

9:14 - The UNC team is shown in the tunnel getting ready for the game.  Odd that so many players have uniforms considering only 7 of their players will ever see the floor.  Seriously how was a team made it this far with such a shallow bench?  Gotta love it.

Seth Davis makes a brilliant comment as he says, "If they can pull off the upset then they will be the national champions."  Looks like we are in for a solid broadcast.

9:18 - Sweeping shots of the crowd show a MSU fan who might be the most creative student of all time as her sign reads, Sparty Like its 1979.  Genius.

9:20 - Travis Walton gets introduced for MSU and with the mic far too close to him he screams, "let's get these n*ggas here!" Amaaazing. 

I love when microphones accidentally catch stuff like this.  It is much better in wrestling when you can hear some of the worst things ever being said.  Wrestling may be fake but they take the acting real seriously.

9:23 - Clark Kellog expects a "hard fought and competitive game from both sides."  Thank god as I was worried for a second that both teams wouldn't bring their best effort and were planning on playing shitty. 

9:25 - We are reminded again that this is the largest crowd ever at 72,000 people.  Odd that the game is in Detroit aka the most economically depressed city in the USA.

Game is off to a quick start as both teams come out with a quick pace forgetting that basketball requires you to play defense. 

UNC 7 - MSU 3

9:26 - Having a hard time concentrating as my neighbour is currently telling everyone in the room about some broad he plans on banging tomorrow night saying, "I am gonna stick my finger in her bum."  I cleaned this up a bit as although there are no censors on this blog I can't in good conscience write what he actually said. 

UNC 10 - MSU 5

9:32 - UNC has come out on fire and is up 17-7 early.  The talk of anal sex reached an awkward conclusion and hopefully will not be brought up again for the rest of the night, or ever.  

Crank 2 movie trailer comes on during the commercials.  This iteration of the film has Jason Statham's character keeping himself alive by electrically charging his heart.  This might be the most anticipated film of the year and is already getting early Oscar buzz.

UNC 17 - MSU 7

9:39 - Danny Green of UNC picks up two quick fouls and is sent to the bench for a rest.  While on the bench he should probably get himself yet another awful tattoo.  Seriously this kid has some of the worst tattoos I have ever seen.

UNC 24 - MSU 8

9:45 - During the break a Mr. Sub commercial comes on the air.  These are probably the worst commercials ever.  Seriously this guy digging the hole has the worst accent I have ever heard. Is he from Russia or Romania or what?  Also he may just be the long lost brother of Goran Sutton. Finally why are the two guys watching the guy digging the hole wearing suits while the 3rd is in a wife beater? Explain this to me Mr. Sub.  I need closure.

UNC 26 - MSU 11

9:47 - My other neighbour Baby J has entered the room and within 2 minutes of being here has already called Tyer Hansborough "Psycho T" and the "Big Handsbeezy."  These nicknames cause me insant irritation and quickly remind why I hate Hansborough so much.

He also has suggested that MSU go for the "Whitewash" which is when a team puts all white players on.  A brave tactic that is not utilized nearly enough for Baby J's liking.

More anal sex talk has started and seems like it may be a common theme throughout the night.

UNC 31 - MSU 11

9:53 - MSU hits a basket and trims the lead to 21 which elicts a loud "YES!" from me.  I instantly get ripped on for cheering that my team is only down 21.  This is gonna be a long long game. 

"If I fucked bitches like rappers do then I would get arrested after." - Trizzle aka my neighbour and the same guy who started all the conversations about anal sex.  His talk was distracting but his desire to watch the game made up for it.

UNC 36 - MSU 18

10:00 - Raymar Morgan just got destroyed by Danny Green as they both went for a pass.  Even with his custom fit mask Morgan still got the worst of that as he is laying on the ground clutching his face.  Typical UNC play from Danny Green trying to intentionally foul...assholes.

UNC 43 - MSU 20

10:08 - MSU looks out of it and Kellog and Nantz have already crowned UNC champions and have taken it upon themselves to verbally jerk off the whole team.  I seriously hate when broadcast teams do this.  The game isn't even at half time and they have called it.  I realise the deficit is large but crazier things have happened.  Put the bias away.

I realise I am tremendously biased but hey this is a sports blog on the internet.  I am not on national TV here.

UNC 48 - MSU 25

10:12 - Magic Johnson is shown for the first time tonight which is surprising as in the Final Four game against Louisville they showed him 50+ times by halftime.  He looks real upset.  Don't know if it's because his team is losing or because he has the HIV.  He's just not only sure they are going to lose, he is HIV positive.  Either way not a good night for Magic.

MSU is on a little run here and have trimmed the lead to only 18 points.  This is seriously such a demoralizing game as MSU is struggling bad.  Draymond Green commits a foul causing Baby J to say, "I guess everyone doesn't love Draymond."  This is the highlight of the night so far...depressing

UNC 49 - MSU 30

10:20 - With a Wayne Ellington basket UNC has set a record for the most points scored in one half for the NCAA championship at 53.  At least things can't get any worse as there is nowhere to go but up for the Spartans frome here.  "No surge and no answer."  Thanks for that one Nantz.

UNC 55- MSU 34

HALFTIME...thank god

10:42 - Larry Bird needs to spend some money on a new tie as the one he was rocking during his halftime interview was mad ugly.  Also how come Larry Legend was in the tunnel and Magic Johnson was at the main desk with the CBS guys? Sadly neither Larry or Magic has aged well as Magic looks like he ate Larry Bird and Bird looks like he took up a career in boxing after he retired.  Seriously I have taken dumps that look better than Larry Bird.

UNC 57 - MSU 36

10:48 - The game has been so one-sided we have turned to discussing the nutritional value of carrots which I have learned is very minimal.  Baby J just asked if Goran Sutton is a Marvel Comics character due to the fact that he is invisible on the court. Can't agree with this as Sutton has been the only Spartan who hasn't been playing like that crap tonight.

Ty Lawson grabs his 8th steal of the game.  Racist jokes ensue.  Not by me of course.

UNC 61 - MSU 41

10:55 - Tyler Hansborough's mom is shown in the stands (hot) and immediately inappropriate comments ensue from Baby J.

The game doesn't seem to be holding the attention of the crew here as they have resorted to making gay jokes about one another.  I know this seems bad as in the last 15 minutes racist and homosexual jokes have been made but trust me it is all in good fun.

More shots of Hansborough's mom need to occur as this has become the most interesting part of the game.

UNC 62 - MSU 44

11:05 - In the span of 10 seconds Goran Sutton set an illegal screen and hit Danny Green with a Randy Savage style elbow.  He is going to make one hell of a San Antonio Spur.

It has also been decided that my UFC nickname will be James "the Dancing Bear" Choleras.  I feel like this name will win over the fans but will also intimidate opponents as despite the fact I will be dancing I am still a bear.

UNC 67 - MSU 50

11:13 - The Bud Light commercial comes on where they have vintage NHL t-shirts in the cases. This has started a discussion on just how bad Bud Light actually is.  It has been agreed that if you as someone for a beer and they bring you a Bud Light that they do not like you. 

I remember buying a case for one of the hats.  Didn't drink any of the beer just rocked the hat. $35 for a hat.  Good deal. 

UNC 72 - MSU 55

11:16 - Vince Carter and Antwon Jameson are court side at tonight's game.  Any coincidence both their teams have losing records?  Or that they are both overpaid former all-stars.  I think this explains why they suck so much because they are more interested in this game than winning in the NBA.  

I also realise I need to take this lap top off my crotch or else I am going to be as sterile as Baby J.

UNC 72 - MSU 55

11:20 - Goran Sutton makes a big stop on the defensive end and makes "Psycho T" his bitch.

UNC 72 - MSU 56

11:25 - The teams have been exchanging baskets for the past few minutes and MSU has somehow trimmed the leaded to a mere 13.  Hansborough has picked up his 3rd foul.  Baby J dropped a dirty fart and it is currently killing my nostrils.  Good times all around.  

"Michigan State has one real fat cheerleader." - Trizzle "That's not nice to say about Magic Johnson." - Ryan.  Comedy gold.

UNC 76 - MSU 63

11:31 - Goran Sutton sets a nasty screen and sends Ty Lawson to floor.  As Sutton goes to move Lawson trips him from the floor and Sutton goes down hard selling it all the way.  Seconds later Hansborough gets gifted a charge call by the refs.  As Hansborough wipes the semen away from his mouth and winks at the official signifying their deal.  Must be nice to get every call.

Baby J just dropped an elephant fart that if we had people living below us surely would have killed them.  I hope the foundation is still intact.

UNC 80- MSU 65

11:40 - Bobby Frasor of UNC just got a steal and had a wipe open drive to the basket in which he opted for a lay up.  Bitch move.  Clark Kellog calls this balanced scoring "sharing the sugar."

Clips are being shown of Obama playing basketball with UNC which is obviously why they won.  Obama picked UNC to win his bracket so clearly he has the officials giving UNC all of the calls.  It all makes sense.

UNC 84 - MSU 68

11:43 - Tom Izzo has given up and is now putting all of the bench players in for MSU.  It isn't a whitewash yet but give it a few seconds.

Also with just over 1 minute to play Baby J has sat on the couch ending his occupation of the floor.  The floor is greatful as now it won't be bombed with farts every 5 seconds.  Honestly baby J drops the most hainous farts ever.  They all sound like he just crapped his pants.

UNC 87 - MSU 70

11:45 - The game has come to an end with almost every white player on both teams on the floor.  A sad day for MSU and a great day for UNC.  This has been one of the more forgetable championship games as MSU was never really in it.  At least it provided an opportunity for Sports Informer history to be with the first ever running diary of a game.  

Final Score: UNC 89 - MSU 72

This ends the NCAA running diary.  I hope you enjoyed it.  I will probably do another one of these on NFL draft day in a few weeks.  Also I have changed it so anyone can comment on posts now.  No longer do you need to register with the site. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

About time you allowed annonymity! Now I can post comments without fear of persecution.

Canucks suck and the Leafs don't for starters.