Monday, November 23, 2009

Fat Coaches in the NFL

Since 1978 20 different coaches have won the SuperBowl. Here they are in chronological order from 1978-2009:

Tom Landry
Chuck Noll
Tom Flores
Bill Walsh
Joe Gibbs
Mike Ditka
Bill Parcells
George Seifert
Jimmy Johnson
Barry Switzer
Mike Holgren
Mike Shanahan
Dick Vermeil
Brian Billick
Bill Belichick
Jon Gruden
Bill Cowher
Tony Dungy
Tom Coughlin
Mike Tomlin

Notice a pattern? With the exceptions of Mike Holmgren and Bill Parcells all of these coaches are skinny. What does this tell us? It tells us that if the head coach of your favorite team is a fat guy, like my NY Jets and Rex Ryan, you won't be celebrating a SuperBowl victory anytime soon.

Now even though Holmgren and Parcells are fat now they weren't as fat when they won their SuperBowl. For instance when Parcells won in 1987 with the Giants the players lifted him on their shoulders. No way they would be able to do that now. The same with Holmgren. When the Packers won it all in 1997 he was much leaner and didn't look as though he had been hitting the drive through quite so often. So even though they weren't really that fat I still consider them exceptions as they are the fattest men to win it all since 1978.

What does this mean?

To me it means that fat coaches can't win the big game. The exact reason I really can't say but I do have some theories.

Theory #1 - Distracted by Food

Have you ever been talking to someone and they say a word and it triggers a reaction in your brain that makes you think about food? Or been at work and out of nowhere start thinking about what you are going to have for dinner? What happens when this reaction occurs? Your mind wanders and you stop focusing on what you're doing.

I think this is what happens to fat coaches in the NFL. I think during the SuperBowl or an NFC Championship game Andy Reid has started daydreaming about what he was going to eat after the game instead of focusing on the game itself. It isn't really hard to imagine this being true. I mean the stadium is filled with ads for food companies and standing out there for so long he must get hungry.

Also I honestly believe Andy Reid's playchart doesn't have plays written on it but instead has the menu for IHOP. Of course I have no proof of this but I just have a gut feeling.

Either way this is one of my theories as to why fat coaches aren't successful. They are unable to stay focused on the task at hand as they get hungry or distracted and start thinking about food instead of football.

Theory #2 - Stress and Blood Pressure

What is one of the most common health concerns among overweight people? Heart attacks. Being an NFL coach is a stressful job and trying to win a SuperBowl might be the most stressful task on the planet. So many things to worry about and so much planning and preperation with millions of people watching. I think fat coaches can't handle the pressure because it overwhelms them.

Obviously I am not a doctor but here is my medical opinion. Rex Ryan's heart would not be able to handle Mark Sanchez throwing passes in the 4th quarter of a SuperBowl. I think he would lose his breath with every drop back and if Sanchez threw an interception his heart would explode. Ryan has been a coach in professional football for a long time but nothing would prepare his heart for that kind of torture.

Those are my two theories. They seem pretty solid to me. If anything they help to explain why overweight coaches can't win the SuperBowl. As a Jets fan it hurt to write this because it means I have no faith in Ryan to win it all. Although it does help for gambling purposes as now if a team appears to be good you can dismiss them should their coach make Kevin James look skinny.

So if you're a Raiders, Jets, Browns, Cowboys, Dolphins, Packers, or Panthers fan just know that as long as your team keeps your current coach you aren't winning a SuperBowl.

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