If you are a Sports Informer addict or just a casual reader you will come to a conclusion that at first seems impossible but upon reflection is both completely true and astounding. I am always right. It doesn't matter if I am talking about sports, television, music, movies, or any subject of discussion really inevitably I am always right in whatever I say. Always.
Now I know some of you are sitting there thinking "look at this fool thinking he is always right when really he never is." Stop it Ryan you are only lying to yourself. Draper, Cruse, and Jebson that goes for you as well. It is no use hiding behind the facade of jealousy anymore simply turn to me for guidance.
What these fools fail to recognize is that when I tell you something, that's how it is. When I tell Cruse that the Leafs suck I am right. When Ryan needs to be told that the Kansas City Chiefs are a crappy football team I am willing to tell him because it is a correct statement. If Jebson tries to say he doesn't suck at NHL 08 I am the first to inform him that he is in fact wrong by making such a ridiculous statement. When Draper tries to blast Mudvayne or some other death metal band in his car...well we all know what happens next.
Before I go any further I think it is only fair that I showcase my amazing ability to be right about everything. I mean it would hardly be impressive or fair to simply state that I am always right. No I feel it is my obligation to prove it.
Tampa Bay Lightning as the 2004 Stanley Cup Champions. Called it.
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone as the top grossing film in 2001. Nailed it.
Peanut Butter and Banana as the best sandwich ingredients. Don't waste your breathe debating you are wrong.
These are obviously only a minor, and I do stress the word minor, sampling of the instances in which I have been completely right. The point of this article is not simply to showcase my talent however but to teach others so that no longer will they have to live a life of being wrong and feeling stupid constantly.
The guide will be broken down into 5 simple steps, that if followed can lead a reader to the promise land of being right. Be advised that if at any point you deviate from the specified guidelines you will no longer be considered right. Also you will be mocked horribly by me for being wrong and may incur the wrath of a Ric Flair chop to the chest.
Without further delay here are the steps.
Step # 1 Always Disagree with a Leaf Fan
The Toronto Maple Leafs are the worst team in the NHL. Not by record of course but by level of talent and by the throngs of morons who blindly support them the whole while having their eyes glued shut to the truth. Talk to any Leaf fan and they will tell you the dumbest statements that you have ever heard such as, "Luke Schenn is a solid defenseman" or "Justin Pogge is a good goalie." Just stupid.
These fools believe that every player on their team is good and has tremendous potential. They are oblivious to facts and simply choose to follow their team blindly spouting idiocy and blasphemy all the while.
If you ever want to ensure that what you are saying is correct simply find a Leaf fan. If they disagree with what you are saying then you can bet they are wrong and you are right.
Step #2 Like Coldplay
The British band Coldplay is the single greatest thing to ever come out of not only the United Kingdom or Europe but the Western Hemisphere as a whole. Their music is flawless in its delivery and if God owned an ipod Coldplay might be the only band on it.
People who disagree with this are both unintelligent and tone deaf. They find it all to easy to bash this great band which is understandable as the pure bliss that fills their heart when they hear the music is too much to handle and they lash out violently as they feel they don't deserve such greatness in their lives.
Simply by saying you like Coldplay you have tremendous leaps forward into being correct at all time. Congratulations you are no longer an idiot.
Step #3 If Unsure Consult the Good Book
I speak of course of Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. As someone who has read over 350 pages of this book which comes out to a little under 1/3 of the whole book I can safely say that if your line of reasoning is in line with Ayn Rand's you are safe.
In the past people who opposed the logic of Ayn Rand were Ric Flair chopped in the chest. This is not a threat just a warning.
Step #4 Disagree With Draper
You may have seen the highly unintelligent man post comments on my posts that I can only assume make you laugh as hard as I do. He is clearly uneducated and has the same reasoning skills as a 4 year old or an adult gorilla or other large prime mate. Fortunately for Draper I do not refuse anyone the right to comment on my site so he is free to post his wild rantings without interference.
This man cheers for the Buffalo Sabres and has been known to go by the alias "The Raper" so it is best to be on the opposing side of any argument he is participating in. He also attends Queens University an establishment known for its incredibly low standards and its high propensity to let in just about anyone with a cheque in hand.
His only saving grace is that he is not a Leafs fan. For if he was the world might shatter under the incredible weight of his inability to be right.
Step #5 WWJD?
What Would James Do? That is a question that you need to constantly ask yourself on a daily basis or whenever you are in an argument. If you are aruging something you know I would be against (like saying Two and a Half Men is a good show) then stop immediately and quickly change positions.
As mentioned above I am always right so if you agree with the things that I say then you will always be right as well.
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I hope that you follow these steps and become enlightened in the ways of being right. This is truly a gift and I do not take it for granted. I am merely looking to share my knowledge with you in the hopes that we can lessen the amount of fools and morons that currenty walk our earth.
By: James "The 5 Tool Superstar" Choleras
Random Youtube Video
4 comments:
Says the Canucks fan...
1)Cold Play sucks. Chris Martin's voice cracks like a 12 year old boy hitting puberty
2)The Canucks suck, I would sooner cheer for the leafs.
3) If you are going to call me unintelligent, try not to make a spelling mistake in the same sentence. It is PRIMATE, not Prime Mate.
4)I am sorry the Queen's University does not have the obvious international reputation that Sir Wilfred Laurier University has
5)I am probably the only person who reads your blog daily, so if you keep insulting me, you might lose your only reader.
6) You sir are an ass.
That is all.
Oh yeah, and I can find a time when you were wrong. Remember whenyou told me that BJ Ryan wouldn't get 30 saves last year?
Draper = Not Smart
1) Wilfrid not Wilfred.
2) The man was bestowed the honour of knighthood. Honourific names rarely reflect full titles.
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